Damaged.

We are all a little damaged and yet we hope that someday, someone would come along and fix us.

I’m not exactly a motivational figure who will cajole someone and tell them that everything will be alright. Instead, I think that no matter what issues or problems you face, it’s ultimately a personal battle you have to fight on your own and eventually learn to live with yourself. No one can fix you except yourself, I guess you need to know that.

Recently I met someone who is just like me. The old me. I see a shadow of myself in him and true enough…he is a little damaged too. Maybe it’s because I see a little of myself in him so I understand where he is coming from, why he feels this way…because I’ve been there before. It’s all very deja vu really. We push people away because we are afraid of catching feelings for them and wind up getting hurt. Deep inside, it’s just a void of emptiness that fill us. Wishing, Hoping. That someday someone would come along and make everything better. He kind of reminds me of a Charmander in the Pokemon Theory I suppose, unable to evolve cause of the fear of getting hurt. I’m way past that stage cause well…that’s what relationships do to you.

Relationships change you.

They can either make of break you but ultimately, there’s always a lesson to learn. If you never take the first step and give it a try, I guess you can never evolve. Then again I’m not saying that it’s better to get entangled in as many relationships as possible but through these encounters, you will start to realize what you actually want out of a partner. Sure, relationships may not all work out, you may get hurt but there was a possibility and you gave it a shot so when you look back you probably could think “Hey, it didn’t work out but at least I gave it my best” rather than wind up regretting not making a move. Maybe I’m impulsive but when I actually get along well with someone, I’m always open to giving things a try because I think it’s pretty rare to find someone I can stand or rather someone who can stand me, the real me.

The truth is, feelings fade.

What matters is the character of the person; whether he could possibly be someone I can live with and not just someone who is just there when I’m lonely. I don’t really want to make the same mistake of letting loneliness manipulate my judgement of a person’s character and simply “accept it” because I was lonely. People will never change. You can try to change them but know for a fact that they will always be the same. So please stop living in self-denial and think that he will change for you cause hell… he will not and if you are ready to live with that…well kudos to you Guanyin Ma.

Don’t fall for me.

Looking forward, I suppose I can’t promise him that everything will work out the way he wants and give him the happily ever after he imagined. But I could promise him that I would try my best to make it work and in the event that everything goes smoothly, the end goal… will eventually appear.  Truth is, I don’t think anyone should even fall for me. I’m a difficult person to love. In fact, some of my beliefs are worlds apart from the norm and they may not be what a reasonable person can accept. I’m a pretty damaged person myself. Maybe he could make things better. Maybe. But please know that I really don’t want to hurt you. I’d hate that.