Voices.

Seems like everyone wants to have a voice these days. This begs the question; if everyone is speaking, who is listening?

Everyone needs to speak up. Have a voice. “Be a different you.”

I attempted but all I seem to do is drown in these voices. These opinions. It’s one thing to speak up but it’s another thing to be heard. Most people want their opinions to be heard and yes, we do get to hear many different opinions but to what end?

This class part culture changed me I suppose. Personally, there was a cultural shock for me upon entering university and this culture was pretty hard to adapt. Instead of following what everyone else was doing, voicing your opinions; I was simply observing them and slowly getting disgusted at this culture of empty talk and pretentious comments. This disgust eventually resulted in me losing passion and interest in what I was studying.

Obviously, a normal student would have friends in school to support them and whatnot. Initially, that’s what I had until I got tired. These friends seems too practical, almost like if my grades aren’t good enough, I can’t be in their project group or even be their friend. On that note, I absolutely hate pretentious friendships so I decided to cut these friends out of my circle totally. I don’t want to keep vying for your friendship when you have like a herd of other friends that you have to deal with. I don’t like to put myself in a position where I’m replaceable in these friendships. So that being said, I left them. I found such friendships quite pointless honestly.

Isn’t it funny. Just when I lack a social life in university, you would think I could turn to other close friends I previously had. But I struggle sometimes knowing that these close friends are in other walks of life progressing in their own ways and then there’s me who absolutely hate any association with my school. I could tell them about it though but I doubt they’d understand so…I just pretend everything is alright.

I think I bottle up in myself a lot. My mind thinks a lot. But I rather not say it out. Sometimes I think …maybe I should have socialized more, kept these fake people in my life, pretend to be someone I’m not. Keep it cool. But I got tired. I can’t keep up. I can’t pretend to like people I don’t agree with. But the most of all…I can’t deal with snakes. If they are outright snobbish, that I can deal. But these fucking snakes pretend to be humble when they are absofuckin not. That’s just disgusting. Just admit you are hardworking and studious, don’t fucking say things like “Nah, I don’t mug” then sleeps in the library to study. Why? Why are you so fake? Nothing wrong with that but it’s distasteful in my point of view I suppose. I just can’t bring myself to hang out with these kind of people. Over time, I just hate to socialize with people all in all. Don’t get me wrong, I’m extroverted but after these years, I think I’m becoming more introverted no thanks to this education system. Sure, everyone is speaking out their opinions and if I do speak up, my voice would get drowned in them anyway so what’s the point really? Maybe that’s why I channel my thoughts in words or even just bury them in my mind.

I suppose I can’t keep up with change. I could have attempted to change and adapt but I couldn’t do it. I don’t need people to understand and empathize with me cause I know what I did. I don’t think I’d change a thing if given a second chance though, that’s just how stubbornly stick by my morals and values. Perhaps one day, I’ll regret it but well, I’d like to think I interact better with people outside school. Weird. One more semester to wrap up my irk for this place and finally leave it. I really can’t wait. Perhaps the real world is the same but that’s yet to come so we shall see how it goes.