Homes.

Today a French colleague of mine told me that in France, people book the old folks’ homes that they are going to stay in beforehand so that they can prepare to stay there in their old age. In fact, it is the norm for the elderly to move into the old folks’ homes where they will be taken care of. Mind you, it isn’t cheap at all! It’s about 5k per person so basically, they would sell their existing home and use the money they received to buy a room in one of these elderly homes.

My colleague happens to be the only daughter, so she told us that she told her parents to book their places at the old folks homes because she is not going to be able to take care of them. They are actually quite cool with it LOL She explained that there are many old folks homes available in France and people can book to live in a room with their spouse and the facilities include a kitchen and 24 hour emergency button where you can ask for help anytime. It’s pretty cool actually.

In Singapore, our definition of old folks home is a bit different. It’s more of a hospital with beds for the elderly who is severely ill or even unwanted. But recently, I realized there’s another kind of homes where the elderly can rent a room in the building and it comes with the full medical support.

Somehow in the Asian culture, children are supposed to take care of their parents till they die because its a form of filial piety. Contentious but yes. Something along the logic of returning them the favor for nurturing us into who we are. It’s ingrained in our DNA that this is the right thing to do. For me, I don’t think so. I mean my parents can stay alone in their apartment for as long as they can but if the day comes where they reached a point where they need 24hr attention because of their health and what not, I’d happily send them to the old folks home. I think most of my peers or even family members would seem me as unfilial for doing so.

I think my decision is slightly biased mainly cause of my relationship with my parents, but I do feel that it’s the economical thing to do. Either way I do not have to make such a decision as they’ve already bought their retirement home overseas so I don’t really have to fret about it.

On one hand, you’d argue that having the elderly at home is beneficial as they can take care of your kids but there comes a point where you end up being the one taking care of them when they reach that extreme state of health/disability. You could hire a helper to take care of them. But it’s going to be very expensive since the helper has to be trained to take care of the elderly. Their needs is very much different and it is not something a normal maid can handle. So why not just send them to the homes? It has the nurses around that can attend to them whenever they need, they get fed and I’m pretty sure it’s much cheaper than the former or at least I hope it will be in the near future.

I think part of the problem here is how the media portrays the elderly who live in homes. They are so quick to cue sad music and depict how sad the old people are at the homes without the company of their children. Why do they do that? Propaganda mostly.

The message is clear though. People who send their parents to old folks’ homes are heartless and are going to hell…? Kudos, message received. Perhaps it’s also part of the government’s propaganda to promote ‘3 generations under one roof’. You’d be so much happier living with your parents and children under one roof. Heck, even HDB schemes are formulated in a way that gives your grants for living near your parents. Slowly, it’s ingrained in our culture to take care of the elderly so that no one is forgotten. But c’mon they are not forgotten, we can still visit them at the homes.

You’d probably ask me since I’m agreeable to sending the elderly to the old folks’ homes so much, how would I feel if my children left me in a home. Well, I think I’ll be upset but I would understand why they would do that and honestly, I wouldn’t want to be a burden to them when I’m old what more make them fight over who is going to take care of me as if I’m some old rag doll that nobody wants. *Pro tip, start saving for my retirement LOL

I’ve seen for myself how ugly things can turn out when the children have to decide who takes care of the parents. Is it the eldest one who does it? Or should it be the youngest one? My grandparents have 6 kids and none of them live with them. All of them moved out with their partners but they do visit them weekly. I wouldn’t say this is the best arrangement, but everyone prefers to have their own space and having an elder in the house doesn’t really make things any less private. My grandpa had a stroke once and nobody realized until my brother found him lying on the sofa in a coma. I guess the point is that it’s still pretty dangerous for two elderly people to stay alone without any helper around. But yeah you get my point.

I hope one day we do become more receptive as a society to the notion of sending our elderly to the old folks homes so that they can receive the care and medical attention they require. However, the government has to start building better facilities and hiring the right people for these homes, so we stop getting news of nurses ill-treating the elderly. But then again that’s pretty difficult since the government’s stance has always been to take care of your elders till they die.

Aren’t we in a pickle?

D