The Awakening.

“Remember to come home early, we have to take a family photo for Elijah’s military graduation tonight!“, Father chirped. Elijah finally graduated from his military school and he had to take a family portrait to submit to his superiors.

As the evening approached and everyone reached home, it was time to take the photograph. Elijah changed into his military uniform and his parents also changed into formal wear for the shot. The guidelines for the photograph was to have a white wall in the background so they scoured the whole house for a white wall that was big enough to fit everyone in the photo. The master bedroom it is.

Father was an avid photographer so he was more excited than anyone else to take the photograph. As he set up his tripod right in front of the wall and affixed his external flash (which he got as free gift from a friend) onto his professional DSLR camera. When it was time to take the shot, they realized that there was shadows in the photograph due to the positioning of the lights in the room.

“Let’s try shining some light in that direction to remove the shadows“, Father instructed. Tyler, the older brother who was assisting him, swiftly turned on his torchlight on his cellphone and attempted to do so. “It doesn’t make a difference to the picture“, Tyler replied. Father continued to insist that Tyler take a few more shots, strongly believing that the cellphone’s torchlight made a difference to the photographs. So Tyler did. The family of four tried to switch off some the lights but it was to no avail. Feeling irritated, Elijah snapped “Dad, just try to edit the shadows away using Photoshop afterwards!“. Disappointed, Father started to dismantle his photography set-up when an idea jolted his mind.

“Let’s try taking the photograph in the living room! There’s a white wall right next to Ty’s computer. It could work!“. As they attempted to take the photograph, they came upon a stark realization that the wall was not large enough to fit everyone in the photo. Mother was cropped out of the photograph.

“Let’s shift the computer table away to make space“, Father suggested. Tyler who was playing his computer game had to step aside as they attempted to shift the table. Annoyed at the prospect of shifting his computer and disconnecting from his game, Tyler promptly suggested, “Why don’t you try taking the image at the front door instead?“, slightly annoyed. “No, it would not work, we have tried that already“, Father shrugged. He was lying.

Provoked at Father’s response, Tyler stormed back into his bedroom in anger. “Seriously! How rude can he get?“, Father snarled. Upon hearing his comment, Tyler snapped. Churning as many vulgarities as he could possibly think of, he marched out of his room and began his rant. “!@#$%^ Did you really try taking the photograph at the entrance? !@#$% You obviously lied just to pacify me! Don’t call me rude when you are the one who didn’t listen!@#$%“. He lost it. Meanwhile, Elijah and Mother were frozen at their spots as they try to mediate the situation and persuade Tyler to stop losing his cool.

Taken aback by Tyler’s response, Father used his old o’ conflict deal breaker move – “You can’t shout at me. I AM YOUR FATHER“. Stunned, Tyler retreated back to his bedroom as he thought to himself, “Good job Tyler, you have outdone yourself by shouting at Dad“. In a typical situation, the child would have hid in his bedroom and cool off but Tyler was not your typical child.

After cooling off for a couple of minutes in his room, Tyler mustered up his courage to apologize to Father. “Here goes nothing“, he muttered as he paced himself back into the living room. Father who was brimming with anger ignored Tyler’s presence as he approached. “Dad, I’m sorry for shouting at you but hear me out, I want to explain why I lost my temper and also why I was not the only one at fault“, Tyler reproached. “No matter what, I’m still your Dad and you cannot shout at me!“, Father shouted. Mother stepped in, “he knows he was in the wrong, just hear him out“, she consoled.

“I snapped because you didn’t take listen to my comment in the room about the lighting and it accumulated when you continued to shrug off my suggestions about taking the photograph at the entrance when clearly you did not even try my suggestion“, Tyler explained.

Typically in an Asian household, once a parent uses the “I-am-your-parent-obey-me-at-all-cost” move, they automatically win the conflict. End of discussion. But not in this household.

“Dear, whether you like it or not, what Tyler said is true. I observed the tone when you talked to Tyler just now, it was quite rude and disrespectful. Inevitably, it has accumulated bad feelings within him and he snapped. In fact, I think Tyler has improved a lot by coming out to own up for his mistakes, normally he would not have done such a thing“, Mother reasoned as tears trickled down her eyes. Little did you know, Elijah chimed in, “I think it is also partly my fault because I was frustrated for not getting the perfect photograph in the room and I channeled the frustration onto Dad as well.“

“I know sometimes Daddy might be in the wrong but you can explain it nicely to me and I will listen. You should never shout at me“, Father rebuked. “You may say this now but in that moment, no matter what Tyler told you, you could never listen because you are stubborn like that“, Mother retorted. Soon, Father’s anger dissipated but being as stubborn as a bull, he refused to admit that he too, was in the wrong. Father acknowledged Tyler’s apology and and everyone retreated back into their rooms.

Even though it may seem like a very small and insignificant conflict, there was plenty of learning points to take away that fateful day.

To be able to own up to your mistakes almost instantly and face them takes a great amount courage not everyone is able to do that.

Perhaps in a family setting it is much more important to resolve conflicts because family members are the ones that you see day in and day out. What struck me the most was how differently this entire conflict could have pan out if it was in any other Asian household. Most likely, the mother would have sided on the father’s point of view and simply ruled that the child was wrong entirely. But she didn’t. Even the sibling chimed in and reasoned out with his father so that he could get a clearer picture of his behavior. The neutrality of the bystanders greatly assisted in the resolution of the conflict.

“As a child, I know I have to respect him as a father. But if my father uses that to win any argument, I will not allow it. He needs to see why he was in the wrong instead of abusing his authority”.

That, my friends, made me rethink my life’s philosophy entirely.