Us.

People on the outside of situations like this often wonder why the woman goes back to the abuser.

I thought it was stupid. I thought it was because they were weak. I thought these things about my own mother more than once. But sometimes the reason women go back is simply because they are in love. Cutting off feelings for the the person who hurt you is not as easy as you think it would be. Preventing your heart from forgiving someone you love is actually a lot harder than simply forgiving them.

“How could she love him after what he did to her? How could she contemplate taking him back?”

It’s sad that those are the first thoughts that run through our minds when someone is abused. Shouldn’t there be more distaste in our mouths for the abusers than for those who continue to love the abusers?

Do we all repeat the same words in our heads in the days after experiencing abuse at the hands of those who love us? “From this day forward , for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and heath, until death do us part.”

Maybe those vows weren’t meant to be taken as literally as spouses take them.

“For better, for worse?” Fuck. That. Shit.

//

The last thing that you want to do is lose sight of your limit. Please don’t allow that to happen.

We all have a limit. What we are willing to put up with before we break. When I married your father, I knew exactly what my limit was. But slowly, with every incident, my limit was pushed a little more. And a little more. The first time your father hit me, he was immediately sorry. He swore it would never happen again. The second time he hit me, he was even more sorry. The third time it happened, it was more than a hit. It was a beating. And every single time, I took him back. But the fourth time, it was only a slap. And when that happened, I felt relieved. I remember thinking, ‘At least he didn’t beat me this time. This wasn’t so bad.‘”

Every incident chips away at your limit. Every time you choose to stay, it makes the next time that much harder to leave. Eventually, you lose sight of your limit altogether because you start to think, ‘I’ve lasted five years now, what’s five years more?.’

“Don’t be like me, Lily. I know that you believe he loves you, and I’m sure he does. But he’s not loving you the right way. He doesn’t love you the way you deserve to be loved. If Ryle truly loves you, he wouldn’t allow you to take him back. He would make the decision to leave you himself so that he knows for a fact he can never hurt you again. That’s the kind of love a woman deserve, Lily.”

//

My father. I was blinded to all the best things about him thanks to all the glimpses I got of him when he was at his worst. Five minutes of witnessing him at his worst couldn’t make up for even five years of him at his best.

I don’t want her to see her father at his worst.

I don’t want her to see him when he loses his temper with me to the point she no longer recognizes him as her father.

Because no matter how many good moments she might have with her father in her lifetime, I know from experience that it would only be the worst ones that stuck with her.

//

Cycles exist because they are excruciating to break.

It takes an astronomical amount of pain and courage to disrupt a familiar pattern. Sometimes it seems easier to just keep running in the same familiar circles, rather than facing the fear of jumping and possibly not landing on your feet. My mother went through it. I went through it. I’ll be damned if I allow my daughter to go through it.

It stops here. It ends with us.

//

There is no such thing as bad people. We’re all people who sometimes do bad things.

No one is exclusively bad nor is anyone exclusively good. Some are forced to work harder at suppressing the bad.

//

I’m way too selfish to have children. And I’m definitely way too selfish to be in a relationship.

//

All humans makes mistakes. What determines character aren’t the mistakes we make. It’s how we take those mistakes and turn them into lessons rather than excuses.

-It Ends With Us