Holy f.

Is it weird that I start to understand myself better as I get older?

I think I am. Maybe its the circumstances that I’ve faced this godforsaken year. Fun fact: I found my first white hair, or rather my hairstylist casually informed me I have white hair during my spontaneous trip to the salon. Holy fuck. White hair. At 25. And god…am I upset.

Googled: “Why do people have white hair?” “Stress”

So I guess I’m stressed..? But I gotta admit I’ve been slightly depressed lately. I’m coping I guess. Let’s see…reasons why I could be stressed:

My job. It’s not stressful but the culture is toxic and boy am I drowning in the drama. I really don’t like it. So there’s that. You know what irks me? The fact that the good in me rationalizes that we are all but tools in this corporate jungle and sometimes we do things against our will simply just because. Fuck. I’m growing up.

My life. Just last week, I honestly think I need more skills. Like employability sort of skills. I signed up for a programming course to do that, still waiting for the registration results though. But I’m quite proud of myself that I took the first step. Mum said maybe I should just take my Masters. Yeah, I could if I had more mula. Either way, Masters is more useful when you have a couple of years of working experience so I still have some time to save for it I guess. Should I do that or take a loan? I’m not sure either.

My relationship. Holy sht it’s been 3 years. We got a house coming in 202X and wow am I excited…to be in debt. Sigh. I think I stress myself too much over the fact that a loan means I need to have a stable job…? My cards ain’t looking so good really. I suppose its a team effort so I’m not going to be alone in the hustle so that’s some relief.

My family. Mum got another car last summer and it’s been a good for now. Initially, I wasn’t hyped about it because they were both out of jobs and they wanted me to be the guarantor for this car but she managed to get it anyway for her new job so yup I’m a dick. I’ll try harder to be amicable. Gramps got a stroke…again. He’s awaiting his surgery some time next week so there’s that too.

My travels. I guess I do miss travelling not that I get to do that much after I started working. Thing is, when I do travel, I have something to look forward to. The view now is currently…pitch black. I’m not even kidding.

Enough of the unhappy stuff though, there’s some wins too. I exercised (lost some weight too). I read. I tried to destress in ways I never thought I would. When I was a kid, I loved to read. Like nerd love. Also, running was a hobby I acquired from JC. Funny thing is, now that I’m adulting, these things seem to have stuck on me for the long run (no pun intended). So yes, small wins.

The year passed by in a blink of an eye but in its haste, I learnt so much. I hate it really. But that’s life. Sht happens and we just…trudge on. It fucking sucks but don’t lose hope. Everything will be okay. Promise.

Update: I resigned from my job on 31 Dec cause hey “New Year New Me” right? Bad news; I failed. The good? I wouldn’t say failed but rather I did have a good talk with my boss which further ascertains the lack of empathy part but it he did justify his actions which make absolute sense to him I guess. We came to a consensus that I would stay till after Chinese New Year and from there I will decide if I want to continue being in the company. Tbh I was prepared to leave but now I experimenting if money can really buy me happiness. YES IT DOES DUH. No really, it was a great opportunity to see for myself if I’m really of value to the team and well I suppose I still am. Onward to 2021 aye? Hustle on minions.

D