Death Wish.

Many a times, when people talk about death, it’s always a taboo topic. They think that you’re negative and tell you to stop talking about it. Avoiding the topic entirely. Well, it’s not for me.

When I was a child, my parents constantly reminded me that they will die one day and I have to learn how to be independent. Granted, it’s kind of fucked up to tell that to a kid, irresponsible even but now I do see where they are coming from. I once had a nightmare that my mum passed on and it scared the shit out of me. I can’t imagine life without her at all. Fast forward to the me today, I share a lot of memes about well, dying cause I think deep inside, I really don’t enjoy being alive.

For me, whenever I voice out my thoughts on not having the will to live, I always get rebutted as being irresponsible and whatnot. Why wouldn’t I want to be alive for my family? Why wouldn’t I want to be alive for my partner? Why wouldn’t I want to be alive for my friends? It’s not that. I just don’t really…see the point?

“When you die, it’s about the legacy you leave behind.”

Nope, definitely not leaving behind a legacy. Maybe a couple of incomplete projects here and there but definitely not a legacy. Honestly speaking, if I died, sure I’ll be missed and that’s about it. You know how they also say when you die, you cannot bring along anything with you. Exactly. So yeah, I had some good times being alive but I’m okay to leave too. Is it wrong to think that way? Life is short (I hope) and I hope that if one day I had to leave, it will be a quick death actually.

Sometimes, the elderly joke that because we live in Singapore, it’s so much harder to die.

Rather, it’s much easier to get broke from paying their hospitalization bills to a point that they literally wished they died. Ideally, no one wishes to be hospitalized but once you reach a certain age, it’s kind of inevitable even more so if you’re unhealthy. Singapore, being a first world country, the standard of living is very high and our healthcare system is also very efficient i.e you can’t die that easily. Imagine how stressful it is to want to die but still having to save furiously for fear that one day if I can’t die, I need to have enough money to pay my hospitalization bills. *cues healthcare insurance ad*

Scenario: You on your deathbed, wishing for death but your kids telling the doctor to save your life because they want to keep you alive?

Aren’t you in a pickle. Euthanasia is illegal in Singapore so…there’s that. Come to think of it, people who are reluctant to die have some sort of commitment or incomplete task that they have yet to complete. Be it raising their children, supporting their parents, seeing their grandchildren or serving some bigger purpose of sorts. For me? Not so much.

On the topic of seeing grandchildren, just the other day, a colleague came up to me and asked me do I plan to get married because his daughter was my age and he wanted to know where my head is at when it comes to marriage. I said I’m not planning to get married anytime soon and there’s not hurry. He commented that he wanted his daughter to get married soon so he can see his grandchildren and he questioned me if my parents are feeling the same way. This is what I told him,

“I’ll get married on my own timeline and if my parents wish to see grandchildren, they better make sure they live longer”.

Seriously, if you wish to see your grandchildren, then act like it. Live a healthier lifestyle. Work on it. It’s kind of ridiculous to rush your children to get married just so you can see your grandchildren before you die…no?

Death is a relief.

Don’t get me wrong, I still live my life to the fullest. But it’s alright to be negative, you just learn to cope with it and see how things goes. I don’t think everyone is content with their lives and it’s definitely better to face your demons head on rather than just avoiding it all the time.

D