Restart.

It’s been a week since I joined the new company and I thought it would be nice to check in for a bit, The first week has been…chill.

Do I miss my old company? I definitely not. Honest thoughts? The current company seems so much better; the benefits are good, the package is better, the colleagues and bosses are super friendly too. Then again, it’s only the first week so I can’t be fully be sure yet. But yes, the vibes here is much better.

Guess what? my boss is the same age as my father. It’s almost like the universe is trying to show me how mindsets can be so drastically different even though they are the same age…? Either way, I found out that my boss doesn’t have kids and he lives happily with his wife and two cats. He travels very often with his wife and yes, he’s living the life I want. Literally. When I questioned him why he didn’t have kids, he told me that he was too irresponsible to have kids and it resonated with me. He added that kids wasn’t a good fit to his travel-packed lifestyle so for his own selfish reasons he preferred not to have children.

In fact, I shared that I didn’t want to have kids because I’m recovering from my personal trauma from my parents. And well, we agreed that this “not wanting to have kids” decision could possibly be a trait the eldest child of the family has because both of us are the eldest child in our families.

It’s true though, not everyone’s goal is to have children and start a family.

I for one, don’t want that. Not just recovering from my personal trauma, I think I wouldn’t want to be a parent, much less a good parent. I’ve been thinking about it and sometimes I think having children seem to have more cons than pros.

Parents who have children seem to be more entitled, selfish and ugly even. That’s not making the world a better place. I for one don’t want to become such a person. You could blame the environment that we are in, being a first world country comes with the competitive nature of parents to want only for the best for their children which can sound like a selfless and amazing thing but have you actually seen Singaporean parents? They are monsters. I know I don’t want to be like them but I think there’s is a high possibility I have to behave that way if I were to raise a child in Singapore.

Children are not your livestock.

They are not there to take care of you when you are old. Don’t fucking expect that from them if you wish to have a child. I’m still struggling with this and I do not want the same cycle to continue for my child. In fact, I would much rather be self-sufficient and work for my comfortable retirement than to worry about raising a child and my own retirement.

I don’t want to be the bad guy in my child eyes either. I don’t want my child to be the bridge of my broken relationships which I do not plan to mend. I do not need this kind of stress. I know that the child would not be able to comprehend what’s happening but I don’t want to explain myself to someone when I haven’t even managed to heal yet. I’m not that big of a person.

So yes, I don’t want kids. Simply because, I much rather focus on myself. I’m selfish like that.

D