Truth.

Fact: My brother could have committed suicide if didn’t move back home.

Somewhere at the back of my mind, I knew he wasn’t coping well and decided to hang out with him more, make him go for runs with me and just let him know I’m here if he needs a listening ear. I understand what he was feeling because I went through the exact same feelings and thoughts before. The suicide. The depression. The helplessness. I know. It still haunts me till today but I’m dealing with it.

After reading his recount of the incident, it has helped me to shed light on the incident but I’m not sure what to feel. My heart breaks knowing that I wasn’t there for him earlier.

How would you feel if the person you hated your entire life, apologized to you during his last breath?

Someone who has never apologised to a single soul in his life, comes to apologize to you and ask for his forgiveness. Are you…for real? Sadly, that’s the fact.

I guess it’s true, your childhood traumas will scar you for life and this was a great example of that.

Despite knowing the truth, I’m still in this hurricane of emotions, I’m not sure how to feel and what to think. I’ll be arranging for the meeting with S and we will see what our legal counsel has to say regarding the case. Ngl I’ll be devastated if S actually committed suicide and died. That’s pretty messed up (more than I can handle tbh).

Today, Mother qustioned me, “Do you need me?”.

“Yes.”

“You don’t even smile when you’re lying. I know for a fact that among the 3 of you, only S needs me.”

God damn. Mother reads me like a book sometimes. I would honestly hate it if she isn’t around though. Life would be even more…pointless?

S’s next hearing will be next year which is pretty far away, in the meantime, we’ll see what’s his best line of defence is I suppose.

Sigh,

D