I don’t want to go home. I don’t want to go to work. I don’t want to wake up. But I still do.
It’s kind of like I know I’m on the brink of collapse, but I don’t succumb to it because… I don’t want to be sad…? Ngl I don’t have the energy to pretend to be happy but that’s alright because at least I don’t have to when I’m at work.
Is this the part where I say I’m beyond thankful that I work with the nicest people …ever?
My team is pretty awesome perhaps it’s because I told them what happened, and they know what I’m going through.
It’s okay though, we finally got to see S for the first-time last week and he’s coping well in there (seemingly). I can’t help but feel sad whenever I recall the meeting though. Seeing him clad in that outfit, looking like that…I have no words. He doesn’t deserve this at all. Just the thought of this…the hate just intensifies you know, and I can’t seem to help it?
If being thankful is the theme, then I’m very thankful that the Changi Prison institution was rather efficient in helping me look out for S. Hearing that he was down with a fever or could be blind in his right eye if he doesn’t get his spectacles is not exactly reassuring news. But they managed to get my request through and resolve them almost immediately. They even offered to let S complete his diploma if his school is agreeable to it which was honestly godsend. I still need to work out the details with the school but one of Mother’s major concerns for S was his studies so this is a sigh of relief.
Not even sure if it’s good news but we’re allowed two face-to-face visits in a month, and we can write one letter to him every day (he can only send four letters in a month though). Also, I managed to reach his S’s friends and they will be arranging to see him soon. They were worried sick about him and very relieved to hear that they can finally contact him.
To be perfectly honestly, I am very hopeful his case will go well but the uncertainty is unnerving that’s for sure. Other than that, I’m going to explore real estate as a side hustle and see how it goes. I don’t think I’m a good salesperson but…no harm trying. Well, Mother said, “My dear daughter, you don’t have to work so hard one”.
Oh, Mother has been helping me out with my bakes which is nice. She has never baked in her life, so she was so proud of her “virgin” bakes. Inevitably, she’s still in the midst of grieving and that’s understandable. Baking helps to distract her and kill her free time though; she thinks rolling pineapple balls is “fun”. So cute.
So, the other day in the midst of rolling pineapple tarts, we were on the topic of relationships. I told Mother, “I will never destroy myself to understand someone else”. She told me not be so adamant because I might change my mind in future.
If there’s something I know about myself, I don’t regret my choices.
But we shall see. Apparently, she believes in fate. She says maybe her story is not ideal and maybe mine might be different. How very convincing Mother.
Someone told me that I’m a very strong person. But I kind of wished they knew that being strong was not a choice for me. Also, content creation is not something I expected myself to be doing and I don’t consider myself an “influencer”. I just do it to cope with the overwhelming sadness I can’t seem to get rid of. But it doesn’t hurt to laugh about it? Tragic.
Just the other day, L came to tell me that one of our neighbors berated him for failing as a brother to S. Sometimes, the things people say really annoys me. Admittedly, it does hurt. Then again, she doesn’t know what we went through so I shall give her the benefit of doubt.
It has also come to my attention that S, L and me are all very different people.
Both S and me are more complicated beings, L is the exact opposite; just a simple guy. But he’s content which is more than I can say for myself. I’m not even sure what state I’m in. Just merely existing?
Side note, I’ve been thinking of getting an IUD for a while now. I guess I don’t see myself having kids in the future so this might be it.
On a happier note, I’ll be travelling to Korea next month with Mother so that’s something to look forward to I suppose. Wanted to go fishing but I guess I might have to consider trying skiing which is equally…fun? Mother was like, “Will we die from skiing?” I was like…”maybe twist an ankle is all LOL”. I can tell that this is going to be a rather interesting trip.
Will also be chucking away the whole Buddhist alter altogether and sending dear old dad off on his 100 days death anniversary with some Buddhist ritual. Trust me, I’m not interested to be there either but Mother insists so I guess final final final act? No more clownery so that’s a major relief.
Ngl life…it’s hard (no pun intended).
I’ll just leave this here:
Cautioned Statement dated 11 Oct 2022
I’m very curious to meet my future self though. Perhaps she might actually do great things.
theniecextn. 
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