Oh dear.

Great news, I might be suffering from depression (duh) and PTSD.

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a disorder that develops in some people who have experienced a shocking, scary, or dangerous event.

As for the depression, it has been bread and butter for me for a very long time now. That constant feeling that life is pretty pointless? Yeah. Perhaps I have just given up in general. In fact, the lady at the mental health assessment centre tried to assure me and said, “A lot of people who lead seemingly fulfilling and happy lives also feel life is pretty pointless”. Oof.

You know what isn’t helping? My interactions with my mother and her grief. Ngl it rubs me off the wrong way sometimes as much as I am a very patient and understanding person.

“Oh, you think you can do better than me? Then go and have kids on your own and prove me wrong”

Please tell me I’m not the only one who thinks this is a fking messed up argument to begin with. Whether to get married or have kids is a personal choice, I don’t think people get married or have kids just because they think they can do better than their predecessors. That’s rather…myopic? That’s my mother for you.

“I’m nothing without him”

I don’t understand this either. Perhaps people in the older generation tend to building their self-worth on their partners so once they are gone, they lose their entire identity. Interesting.

And what else…hmm the usual “I will die one day” kind of garbage.

Funny thing is, my mother tells me one day when I do actually fall in love, I will understand. I think I almost experienced it at some point but I choose not to jump? I do see how women do become stupid when they fall in love I supppose. Just don’t want to be one of them.

Might also be having a mid-life crisis. I don’t think I’m very good at my job. Well, I am creative but I don’t think I’m in the right job for some reason. I actually consider working for a non-profit at some point. Perhaps, it can give me some sort of meaning to this. I don’t enjoy chasing money anymore. Yeah, it’s bad. I probably need therapy.

Until the next I guess.

Goodnights

D