To be.

“What’s your ambition?”

Honestly, I don’t have any.

I’m a quitter. I literally want to quit life ever since I started questioning why I’m even alive. Tired of meeting everyone’s expectations I suppose or rather the expectations I impose upon myself. But if I had to come up with an ambition…

Perhaps its to just to be contented. In this race called life, it’s probably offensive even to just be contented. We’re always chasing; chasing for qualifications, chasing for wealth, chasing for recognition. The need to pursue a better standard of living perhaps but it doesn’t stop, doesn’t it? There’s no finishing line to this race, the more the merrier I suppose. Being contented seem like a goal that drifts further and further away over time.

I don’t know if I’m smart enough.
I don’t know if I’m brave enough.
I don’t know if I’m capable enough.
I don’t know if I’ll be successful.
I don’t know if I can make you proud.

I think we established that people are hard to please. Sometimes we lose ourselves while trying to please the people around us; parents, friends, loved ones even. Staying true to yourself is easier said than done. Facing the pressures from their expectations can get really tiring, losing yourself seems like the easiest way out. Sometimes I think people forget that it’s their own life they are living, not your parent’s neither is it your friends’.

Humans, they are risk adverse creatures, they’d always choose something they are familiar with, the most stable path is the best in their opinion. Some of us may not have that same kind of opinion and most of the time we get peer pressured to follow the crowd, kinda like sheeps following the herd. But it doesn’t always have to be that way. The majority’s opinion may not be the best for you; that’s when you stay true to yourself and fuck their opinions seriously.

Let’s face it, I will never be smart enough, brave enough, capable enough or even successful enough by their standards. But I can be smart enough, brave enough, capable enough or even successful enough by my own standards.

I don’t know if I’ll be truly happy.

The environment we grew up in shapes who we are and how we think. I’d like to think that past mistakes don’t have to shape your future. Sure, damaged as you are, you don’t always have to stay that way. Even though sometimes these scars continue to haunt you for the rest of your life but the decision to be happy is entirely up to you.

I don’t know if I’ll find the will to live.
I don’t.

I don’t have these answers yet but until then, I suppose living life to the fullest by my own means is the way to go for now because funnily enough, life itself will be over before you know it.