Four Years.

Ah yes, I broke up. Unexpectedly, I saw it coming for a while now.

Mother says I might be afraid of confrontations because of my experience with my dad. I think that’s partly true. I broke off my engagement and I think I know why. As I stood there and got yelled at, I thought to myself, “Do I really want to live like this for the rest of my life?” I really don’t.

Even though I have to admit I do have communication issues due to my introverted nature, I strongly doubt anyone should be treated this way. It has been going on for quite some time already and I suppose I have reached my breaking point. I have to admit, getting a dog together, made things more evident that I do not see myself going very far in this relationship. Just because the argument is that I’m not the one being hurt, doesn’t mean I condone the actions taken towards the dog or myself. Empty promises to change who you are as a person will not change my mind either. Let’s face it, no one will be happy at all if that is so. I don’t need anyone to accommodate to my flaws simply to make me stay. It wouldn’t be healthy.

If we had to boil it down to what went wrong, I think it was a myriad of reasons, character differences, anger management issues, personal trauma issues, and many more. But I have to admit, we had a good run, we had our laughs and fun times which I am very thankful to have experienced them with you. However, I can’t seem to bring myself to see past these red flags and carry on the relationship as I do not believe people can change. For the sake of my sanity and happiness, I believe this is the right thing to do.

Yes, I understand that I’m flawed too but I’d like to think that if I’m the one deciding who I want to spend the rest of my life with, I get to be the one who chooses who I want to be with.

Four years is a very long time. No one in their right mind would have done what I did given the circumstances but I did it anyway.

I don’t need a perfect relationship but I want a relationship in which I feel safe. I don’t feel safe anymore.

That being said, I think it’s about time I stepped out of my comfort zone and meet people for a change instead of being in my bubble. I’ve come to realize that I’ve been raised in a family of so many red flags that I’m not even sure what love feels like. Mother says its a “feeling”. I’m not even sure if I have feelings at all. But it’s alright, I’ll use this time to explore and heal and hopefully, do better the next time around.

Nevertheless, this experience had definitely made me want to be a better person and undoubtedly, it has taught me a lot as well and for that I’m truly grateful. Onwards to a better life I hope.

Cheers,

D