Paper Kites.

Been thinking quite a bit these few days, both good and bad thoughts. I try to have more good ones but they kind of tend to be slightly spiteful which is understandable I suppose.
Things like,

“What if my brother spends a huge chunk of his life in prison and mother passes away in the meantime.”

Well, that would be really upsetting. In fact, sometimes I sit at work and randomly get sad thinking about him. It’s really hard to smile these days but I try to.

Been going for runs and having some deep conversations with mother. Perhaps I’m just trying to understand her mentality. To conclude my analysis, I have realised that she is undoubtedly a traditional woman and…she simply endures.

“Do you think he respects you?”

Mother: “He doesn’t know what is the concept of respect at all”

Even though she says that he does dote on her, I honestly think she’s just finding excuses for him because she is too kind. I reckon that if there isn’t any mutual respect in a relationship; no matter how well someone treats or dotes on you, it means absolutely nothing. No amount of “love” is worth my self-respect. Don’t think anyone should settle for anything less.

Or things like,

Maybe my relationships are not meant to work. Maybe it was to make sure I end up at the right place at the right time.

I’ve always wondered what true love looks like so I kept searching for it. Little did I know, I simply didn’t know what I’m looking for because I have never seen it before. How do you find something you have never seen or experienced? You can’t. But you know what I do know? I know what it shouldn’t be so thank you for that.

Actually, I’ve come to realize how severe my childhood trauma has manifested into all my previous relationships. In fact, in face of any aggression, I either end up crying or running away or if I hit my limit, I end the relationship altogether. One time, one of my previous partners got physical during a conflict and grabbed my arm. I immediately ran out of the house crying trying to avoid him. It’s pretty bad. But hey, he’s an ex now.

In fact, my introversion and how I process my thoughts (slower and more complex) have all stemmed from the environment I grew up in. I don’t hate it but it’s something I’ve come to realize about myself.

Or things like,

“Marriage is a scam.”

It is a game you take part and if you are a woman, you will always lose out. The damage will be more dire you do decide to have kids because the shackles simply become thicker. Am I being biased? Probably.

Partly because one of my colleagues came to me and shared that her husband hits her and she tolerated it because she doesn’t want to have a “broken” family. So is this what people mean when they say “mothers are selfless”? Tbh I don’t tolerate any bs from anyone so hearing this…I felt a little sad. Sad that some mothers have to endure so much because of their children.

Is this perception of a “whole” family so important?

Sometimes, I feel that if you as a mother think that he makes a terrible parent, maybe the best decision is to leave him. I highly doubt your children will find that he adds any value to their lives if you personally feel that he wouldn’t?

“Mother knows best”, right? We should stick to that. Clearly, “love is blind” didn’t work out. Case in point.

On a random note, Mother made a new friend around the neighbourhood and she has not one but… SIX dogs! YESSSSSSSSSSS!!!! She’s retired and she rescues dogs for a living. Oh, she also happens to be the same age as my mother (widowed with no kids). I can’t wait to walk her dogs with both of them.

On the bright side, I’m glad I only have one father. Imagine if I had two fathers, then maybe both my brothers might be in prison. HAHAHA. Oops. He is really, a piece of work.

Till the next,

D