Whys.

It has come to my attention that I’m a walking disaster.

Just the other day I thought to myself, “Wow, why do I tend to read signages when there are so many people around me at the train station?”

Then it dawned on me…I tend to avoid eye contact.

So I rather read texts, signages and any materials around me that I can look at. Why do I behave like that? Because whenever we got reprimanded, we were demanded to look at him so…I have become this creature that avoids eye contact. Perhaps that’s why people think I’m rude…? I subconsciously try to avoid eye contact when I talk to people. I do try my best to maintain eye contact though but in my free time, I rather not. Yeah, I do actually have a bit of social anxiety.

Or why I don’t talk much.

Because I hate talking…to people who always think they are right. I can’t verbalise my thoughts well enough so I write them down instead. I write about what I’m thinking. I tend to overthink and take a longer time to process my thoughts compared to a normal person.

Or why do I travel so much? Because I want to escape my reality.

Or why do I seek adrenaline activities? Because I lack the will to live.

Or why I do always leave my relationships? Because I don’t feel safe.

Or why I don’t want kids? Because I don’t understand why am I alive.

Kind of messed up if you think about it. It’s not all bad though. I’m a pretty independent and resilient young lady (or rather I appear to).

Mother made a comment the other day that she feels that I’m very opinionated and know what I want; knows when to say no. She feels that that’s how people should be.

Truth is, I don’t know what I want but I know what I don’t want.

The none negotiables. Sometimes when I see things unravel in front of me, it makes me think a little more about what I would have done and I tend to make sure I have no qualms staying firm on my decision. This works really well for me because I’ve never considered going back to my relationships when I decide to leave. Harsh but it’s better this way.

So I guess, it’s pros and cons, we can’t have the best of both worlds. I didn’t choose to be this way but somehow it just ended up like this.

At least now I have better clarity and I can start to address them to heal? Is this what growing up means? You become more aware of your flaws and traumas, then you start to fix yourself along the way? Whilst making sure you’re in a comfortable environment to heal I suppose. Perhaps that’s why I seek safety in my relationships.

Everything kind of makes sense now.

Today, I read a news article aboout a 31-year old lady who allegedly murdered her 67-year old father. Her mother died 2 months ago and I’m assuming she was an only child. Toxic parenting sprang into my mind. Being alive is already so tough, and yet you have to make your kids suffer more with your toxicity. That’s rich.

If I could switch places with my brother, I would do it.

Because I think I’ve generally been done with life for the longest time. To be perfectly honest, I was ready to give up my mother for the sake of my sanity. You can have her. The phase which I needed emotional support from family is over. I don’t need it anymore. Yet funnily enough, my mother got returned to me. Life works in really interesting ways sometimes eh?

It’s kind of like…life handed me this painting that is beyond repair and I’m just sitting there thinking, “What am I supposed to do with this?”

First, you destroy my soul. Then, you destroy my family. Now, I’m supposed to fix myself and salvage my family. Huh. And the thing about paintings is that, I’m supposed to create a painting of my own with my own family. How do I work with this? There’s literally nothing to refer to though…ok maybe not. There’s a set of guidelines NOT TO DO though so it’s not that bad I guess.

On a random note, I’ve noticed that when someone passes away, people only talk about the good things.

The dead is glorified and the living is supposed to live in remorse.

Sometimes, they even say things like how they would have done things differently if they were still alive. But the fact of the matter is that they would not have done anything differently. Kind of hypocritical even.

If I had to examine where things went wrong for me, it boils down to how he treats the people I love. I think at some point in time, we all gave up any redemption we have for him. Too much of an empath perhaps?

“Other people have it worse.”

Really? Let’s just say you will never understand what it’s like until you are in the position I’m in. So when people tell me they understand how I feel because they have it rough as well, it’s kind of like we’re looking at two different paintings and the degree of damage…is so drastically different. But hey, thanks for listening though. I reckon people who say that… probably don’t know what else to say so that’s alright.

It’s fine.

That’s life.

D