Stranger.

What if I told you my mother is a stranger to me. Would you believe me?

You know how you’ve always imagined that in life, there’s always a clear line between rights and wrongs? Absolutely not. Rather there are only choices you make that you can live with. Somewhere along the way, I think I have decided that having no family is better than having a toxic one. Perhaps that’s when I decided to detach myself from this circus.

Besides, my mother and I have our own lives to lead. Her’s used to have a husband is all.

Honestly, I’m just concerned about my brother.

Whenever I chat with S, I almost refer to my parents as strangers. He understands my mother better more than me to be honest. Understanding is enough for him I guess. I’m a problem solver, I seek to understand to SOLVE. I seeked, I don’t understand and the matter ended up being unsolvable. So I clocked out.

I’m not going to lie and say that all this could have been avoided because it could have. But I try not to think like that because it just ends up in a really dark place.

Almost like, family means nothing to me. Kind of scary, isn’t it? I know.

I reasoned that family is supposed to be a pillar for most people but mine happens to be missing and I sort of had to figure out a way around that. Clearly, hopping from one relationship to another wasn’t the solution but it helped me learn a lot. So now, I depend on no one else but myself and I borderline have a lot of backlog to clear when it comes to healing and understanding myself better.

My hobby is swimming in my misery and laughing about it. Honest.

Life. is. so. funny. sometimes. Ha. Ha. Ha. Halp.

D

Update:

Today, I sat my mother down and re-evaluated one of the unconstructive things she does subconsciously – Assigning blame.

I was pretty affected by her words when I told her I messed up.

She apologised but that was not the point. I simply wanted to tell her how her words made me feel.

We cleared up the misunderstanding afterwards. Even though the incident happend the day before, I guess it pretty much affected me the next day and I decided to take up the courage to talk to her about it. With some liquid courage of course.

This felt nice, I feel better. I’m not trying to tell her she was wrong, I simply wanted to let her know that it doesn’t solve the problem and it makes people feel worse about themselves.

I reckon that I am done with the dyfunctionality of this family and… want to create an environment I feel safe and heard? Ultimately, I want to be in a comfortable environment to heal I suppose. This was really nice. Baby steps I suppose.